book review >> the kid

12 Jan

Here’s a rewrite of a book review I wrote on Sapphire’s ‘The Kid’ last November:

For those of you who aren’t familiar, Sapphire is the author of ‘Push’ (later reprinted as ‘Precious,’ after the movie). I read ‘Push’ back in college and even though it was at times hard to read, I read it, and I LOVED it.

‘The Kid,’ however, is a different story. As an avowed reader, I must say that 99% of the time I finish everything I read. This was a rare exception. I can’t rate this book, because I could not and did not finish it. I got through about 200 pages of this story before I literally could not force myself to read another page. I had read some of the reviews on this novel (not too good) before reading and because I was familiar with the prequel, I tried to dig into the story of Abdul, Precious’ son. The story begins with Precious’ death from AIDS and 9-year-old Abdul is sent to live in a foster home. Once in foster care, Abdul is tormented and raped by a bully. He then goes to live with Catholic priests in a home for boys, where he is treated horribly and sexually abused for another 4 years.

It doesn’t end there. At 14, we again encounter Abdul, only this time he has become the abuser. There are numerous (and very graphic) scenes of Abdul physically and sexually abusing the boys, women, and children
around him. Instead of watching a character rise out of adversity, we witness his slow descent into evil. If ‘Push’ was hope, then ‘The Kid’ is utter hopelessness and despair. At around 200 pages, I simply gave up. I just could not get into Abdul’s story.

The abandonment of my reading effort here had every thing to do with the characterization of Abdul. Despite the criticism to the contrary, I completely understand why Sapphire created such a character (a victimized, abandoned child turned psychotic teenage rapist). There is nothing ya’ll (and I mean, nothing) in Abdul’s background from the age of nine onward to suggest that he will be a good person. He is cast off and abandoned by all those around him and a victim of hellish physical and sexual abuse. Knowing that most killers and rapists and other dregs of society were themselves physically and sexually abused as children, you have to wonder what people expect when the cycle of abuse is allowed to continue. Sapphire does an excellent job of getting into Abdul’s head–the dark, scary place that it is. There are long, long, LONG passages of Abdul fantasizing about sexual assault in this book. You listen to him describe the way in which he victimizes those around him, justify it, then completely deny it, and eventually move on to another victim and feel absolutely no remorse. After 200 pages I simply could not “feel” with the despicable nature of Abdul anymore, despite his upbringing.

Also, Sapphire’s use of dream sequences and stream-of-consciousness technique at times were just plain confusing and unclear. Even after what I read there are still some portions of the book that I’m still not really sure what happened. I understand that the author wanted to keep with the feel of realism but honestly after a while the rape scenes became, in my opinion, kinda cheap and gratuitous.

Don’t buy this book. Perhaps in the future I will be able to finish, I do want to know what happens to Abdul, but not at the expense of my piece of mind at this time. So for right now this one goes back to the library.

lost and found.

11 Jan

I’m disgusted with the way that my son constantly loses things. His hat, his belt, his books, his glasses, his lunchbox. I write his name in EVERYTHING and then I pick him up after school and lo and behold, he had it but he can’t find it. We look all over the classroom, the cafeteria, the gym. He said he had it at lunch. He said he had it at recess. He said he looked in his cubby but it wasn’t there either. Part of me wants to excuse it because he is just seven years old and his memory is such a fleeting property, but dang…how many library books do I have to pay for? Mittens? I’m aware that part of his forgetfulness is marked by the ADHD and that’s a beast in and of itself, a creature of many names. Sometimes I feel helpless, I know he didn’t mean to lose it and desperately wants to remember it and doesn’t want to see his mother angry. I know he tries, and tries hard. I am the one who lacks patience. I will have to gather the will to find it.

Tags: , , ,

book review >> the hunger games

9 Jan

 
So, for the Big Read my school is kicking off at the end of the month, I’m reading Suzanne Collins’ The Hunger Games.’ Everyone at our school will get a copy of the book, along with activities and journal entries to accompany the book. I couldn’t be more pleased at the choice of the book, I had heard so much about it and couldn’t wait to finish the book I was currently reading to start it. There were a couple of teachers who said that they weren’t going to read it, it was too much violence and gore. Violence has never turned me off, but I have to admit that I proceeded with caution. 
 
So far, I am in total love with this book. It is definitely a page turner, and I’m about halfway through it. I cannot put this book down. I don’t want to give too much away for the people who are still considering reading it, but I’ve give you a basic synopsis. It takes place in a dystopian future, in which a wealthy Capitol rules over 12 smaller, outlying districts. In the districts, people starve and scratch to get by. Every year a boy and a girl are selected (called tributes) to fight to the death in an outdoor arena to commemorate a rebellion by the districts against the Capitol that occurred decades ago, called the Hunger Games. The games are broadcast on live tv, and only one tribute can win. 16 year old Katniss, a citizen of District 12, is entered into the games by lottery along with her younger sister, Primrose. At the annual reaping in which the names are drawn from the lottery, Prim is selected to participate in the games. Katniss volunteers to take her place.
 
What follows is the most startling set of events that I’ve read in fiction a while. I can see why people are a little miffed at the content of the book, given that it is classified as a young adult novel and it deals with a sensitive subject, mainly, children and violence. But if you look past the superficial surface, you’ll find an excellent exploration of classicism and inequality. And that is worth reading about. 
 
Either way, this book is definitely worth reading. I adore Katniss, she’s tough as nails and doesn’t take any shit. If only we could say the same of Bella Swan… (*sigh*)
 

Tags: , , , ,

someday you will ache like i ache.

8 Jan

It’s been hard.

It’s been hard to keep track of anything, including my own thoughts. Likes, dislikes. Time. Posting here.

This isn’t a post really. It isn’t a confession. I am sitting here watching ‘The Bachelor’ the words are now flowing from my heart to my fingers to my laptop. The truth is I’ve been stuck and not moving for nearly a year, struggling with depression. It is not my first time. The first time was when I was in grad school and 9/11 was all over the tv and I looked outside my window on what was supposed to be a sunny day and all I saw was death and sadness and danger and clouds and a foul blackness that never seemed to lift. Every day was black and cloudy, and other times I could not breathe. I went to bed at 4 am and slept until 4 pm the next day. The worst moment was when I found myself crumpled up on the bathroom floor, unable to catch my breath, breathing into a paper bag before my thesis presentation. I started seeing a psychiatrist and it got better. Well, somewhat. I didn’t take meds, but I had to leave Wisconsin. The cold and the loneliness wasn’t helping me any. I graduated in 2002. Returned to Charlotte.

The second time was after I had my first child, in 2004. I loved my newborn son–his little face, his gentle brown eyes, his sweet smile. Cleaning his nursery, fixing his bottle, nightly baths. I never waivered or slipped in my motherly duties. But two weeks later while on maternity leave then it all flipped into a single, unassailable truth: my life is over. No more fun, no laughter, just me sitting at home being a mother to the now-present little life that I’d held inside of me for nine months. Oh God Oh God Oh God. This time I went to group therapy. And sitting around talking honestly did help, sharing my experiences with other women who were like me. After a year of the therapy and journaling and really hard daily prayer, it was over. I thought I had beaten it. For good.

Fast forward to January 2011. Nearing middle age, gray hairs. My son is now 7 years old. He has ADHD. Although he scores above average on IQ tests, it is sometimes hard for him to maintain focus. His father and I are no longer, I am a single parent. Maintaining a household, motherly duties, grading papers, going to work, fixing dinner. Grad school class from 5:15 to 8:45 every Tuesday. I put on 20 lbs. Everything seemed to morph into a great blur and there seemed to be no exit, no escape. No end in sight. It all became so much that one night I just fell into the bed and slept for 2 days. When I awoke there was the intense fear of doing anything or going anywhere because it was just another item on a never-ending list of daily drudgery. I saw a therapist and honestly nothing changed, I was still spending nights bunched up crying on my bathroom floor, unable to move. I went on meds (which I’m still on) and things got a little better, even more so when summer came around and work was over for the year and class wasn’t in session. Fast forward to October and the rain clouds appeared again, in the form of aches and pains and headaches and an intense feeling that any moment could be the moment that my heart would finally explode. Every day was a bad day, a day that I wished I hadn’t woken up for. I knew that something had to change, and that maybe the words that I used to write when I was feeling this way would be the key.

So I’m going to give it another try. Please be patient with me. This has been a long, winding road and I’m nowhere near the end of my journey. But with time and Evernote to store these posts whenever and wherever I write them, a change will come.

endless summer.

28 Jul

dear god when i said to myself that i needed a break from online life i didn’t realize that it would be a month later and that half of the summer would be gone. i still have a good three weeks before heading back to work. not so eager for that to start, but i’m not dreading it this time around. i’ve been busy  researching different strategies, trying to get a feel for what i have to do this year. i’ll be teaching 8th grade in the fall. this is a bit of a scary proposition, considering that for the six years i have been employed as a teacher i’ve always taught 7th grade. i got it practically down to a science–i know what folder to pull on certain day and the lessons are so familiar to me that they can practically teach themselves. honestly, there’s not too much different in the language arts curriculum from 7th to the 8th grade, other than a research paper that 8th grade completes in the fall. the kids, however, are a different story. whip smart. fresh. grown. i think i’m ready though.

i got a new car shortly after my last post. its a 2011 nissan cube. i love it to death, box and all. every time i park somewhere a curious soul asks me about it. is it comfortable? is it affordable? do you like it? is it an suv? i love to answer the questions, and i love the fact that i’m no longer dealing with my last car, which was a piece of junk. but i love my cube. it rides so smoothly and has a sweet sound system. i drove it when i went to myrtle beach earlier this month. it was beautiful to get away from it all but it rained the whole time we were there. we did get to go to the beach, but it was in the evening and we didn’t get to take a lot of pictures, which really sucked.

so now the days pass and i finish up my work for my grad school class and hold my breath for a new school year to begin. much better this time around. muchmuch better.

new beads (day 4)

20 Jun

My new japa mala came in the mail today. I had a really pretty blue one I used for my daily meditations for years but when it broke last week I took to eBay to get a new one. Now that the new one came in I was so excited I had to get a picture of it.

Om.

sushi goodness (day 2)

16 Jun

Summer vacay gives me all the more time to enjoy the food that I love the most. 1/2 price nigiri ain’t bad either. Nom nom nom.

a good book (day 1)

15 Jun

Day 1, the beginning of my “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” series. I’ll try to send a photo and a post via email everyday during my time off work. Won’t promise miracles, but I’ll see where this goes.

Now that summer is here I can devote more time to what I love to do but never get the time to during the school year—reading. I don’t do paper books anymore, I load into my Kindle and go. About to finish up Anthony Kiedis’ Scar Tissue. Finally.

ny batteri.

15 May

ny batteri = new batteries (icelandic).

listening to sigur ros. i love the way blog titles come to me through the last song i listened to on shuffle in itunes. eerily prophetic. cause in a way i do feel like i’ve gotten, a spurt of energy. new batteries, if you will.

talking it out in counseling once a week wasn’t getting me anywhere, so my therapist put me a daily regimen of 300 mgs of wellbutrin xl. so far its been cool. i don’t get the urge to nap in the afternoon anymore when i get home from work. i don’t cry much anymore. thoughts are increasingly positive, and negative self-talk has decreased. all in all, my depression is more manageable, though mornings are still the worst time for me. i usually wake up at about 5:30 am and write a little bit. get ready to go to work. listen to my ipod and try to pump myself up. things are looking better, though i’m cautiously optimistic. the dark cloud could always descend again and burst into maddening rain.

i struggle with how much i should tell you on this site. although my family and close friends know about my struggle with depression, having the public access this site and possibly find out about it is a bit daunting. every day i walk a fine line between full disclosure and a colorful facade of online happiness. on one hand i want to hide it away and keep the secret to myself. on the other hand i want to inspire others who are also teetering on the brink of the crazy to step up and say something–anything. it’s way more common than people think, i figure.

the green eyed monster.

13 Apr

after five years of cohabitation and struggle, my son’s father and i broke up. tired of having to be someone else i wasn’t and just plain itching to do something else, i gave him back his engagement ring and left. moved out on my own. despite the fact that i was in my mid-twenties, it really was the first time i was out there, living independently on my own. it wasn’t the best breakup, but honestly, it wasn’t that bad either. i left in may 2008 but i’d been planning my escape since sometime that october. i waited for about a year after i left him to start dating again, just to make sure i wasn’t rebounding. and after patiently waiting (and a whole lotta fuck-ups), R came along. it’ll be 2 years this month. and i’m happy. i introduced my boyfriend to my son right away, and they usually bond over wii and super mario bros. everything’s cool. i know his dad hated it (and he let me know this) but his opinion was insignificant to me. fuck you, i’m living my life.

as far as his father, it’s hard to decribe our relationship now. he calls every night to speak to J when he’s with me, and I call every night to speak to J when he’s with his dad. i try to stay cordial but we’re not friends. i don’t ask about his day. i don’t know what he does in his spare time, where he goes, or what his favorite color is now. i don’t hate him, but i don’t really like him either. he’s a constant presence and i respect him as my son’s dad, but that’s it. i never express my personal feelings about his dad to my son, or show him how i feel about him. and honestly i would prefer if he felt the same about me. distant. don’t call me, unless you want to discuss our son or talk to him.

so, about two months ago my son’s father called me one morning to tell me that he was going to introduce our son to his new girlfriend. pissed that he chose to call me about this at 9am on a saturday morning, i grumbled quietly and hung up. don’t get me wrong, i’m happy for him. i waited for this day to come, because at least he wasn’t asking what i was doing all the time. and so far, things have been cool. every sunday i’d drop him off and her car would be parked in the driveway. i enter the house to drop J off and would no sign of her. perhaps she was hiding upstairs (lol). J talked about her constantly, how nice she was and all the fun they were having together. eager to meet this person, i finally met her at J’s party in february. J still talks about her exuberantly every sunday when he sees her car in the driveway, only now she comes downstairs. and even though i say fuck it, it’s cool….the truth is that as his mother, i really hate that they get along so well. i know it’s evil and selfish and bad and that my son loves me lots but i hate that he likes her so much. and my green eyed monster comes from a incomplete place inside of me that just can’t, well, fathom him placing another woman other than me near my position in his life.

i know i can’t monopolize his happiness. nor do i want him to be disrespectful to her, i don’t want that either. i admit that i am adjusting to this, and i really do hate this feeling i have. i know that this comes off terribly insecure to the reader but i don’t know what to say unless you are someone who is a single parent also.

shit.

← Older Entries

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.