I’m disgusted with the way that my son constantly loses things. His hat, his belt, his books, his glasses, his lunchbox. I write his name in EVERYTHING and then I pick him up after school and lo and behold, he had it but he can’t find it. We look all over the classroom, the cafeteria, the gym. He said he had it at lunch. He said he had it at recess. He said he looked in his cubby but it wasn’t there either. Part of me wants to excuse it because he is just seven years old and his memory is such a fleeting property, but dang…how many library books do I have to pay for? Mittens? I’m aware that part of his forgetfulness is marked by the ADHD and that’s a beast in and of itself, a creature of many names. Sometimes I feel helpless, I know he didn’t mean to lose it and desperately wants to remember it and doesn’t want to see his mother angry. I know he tries, and tries hard. I am the one who lacks patience. I will have to gather the will to find it.
the green eyed monster.
13 Aprafter five years of cohabitation and struggle, my son’s father and i broke up. tired of having to be someone else i wasn’t and just plain itching to do something else, i gave him back his engagement ring and left. moved out on my own. despite the fact that i was in my mid-twenties, it really was the first time i was out there, living independently on my own. it wasn’t the best breakup, but honestly, it wasn’t that bad either. i left in may 2008 but i’d been planning my escape since sometime that october. i waited for about a year after i left him to start dating again, just to make sure i wasn’t rebounding. and after patiently waiting (and a whole lotta fuck-ups), R came along. it’ll be 2 years this month. and i’m happy. i introduced my boyfriend to my son right away, and they usually bond over wii and super mario bros. everything’s cool. i know his dad hated it (and he let me know this) but his opinion was insignificant to me. fuck you, i’m living my life.
as far as his father, it’s hard to decribe our relationship now. he calls every night to speak to J when he’s with me, and I call every night to speak to J when he’s with his dad. i try to stay cordial but we’re not friends. i don’t ask about his day. i don’t know what he does in his spare time, where he goes, or what his favorite color is now. i don’t hate him, but i don’t really like him either. he’s a constant presence and i respect him as my son’s dad, but that’s it. i never express my personal feelings about his dad to my son, or show him how i feel about him. and honestly i would prefer if he felt the same about me. distant. don’t call me, unless you want to discuss our son or talk to him.
so, about two months ago my son’s father called me one morning to tell me that he was going to introduce our son to his new girlfriend. pissed that he chose to call me about this at 9am on a saturday morning, i grumbled quietly and hung up. don’t get me wrong, i’m happy for him. i waited for this day to come, because at least he wasn’t asking what i was doing all the time. and so far, things have been cool. every sunday i’d drop him off and her car would be parked in the driveway. i enter the house to drop J off and would no sign of her. perhaps she was hiding upstairs (lol). J talked about her constantly, how nice she was and all the fun they were having together. eager to meet this person, i finally met her at J’s party in february. J still talks about her exuberantly every sunday when he sees her car in the driveway, only now she comes downstairs. and even though i say fuck it, it’s cool….the truth is that as his mother, i really hate that they get along so well. i know it’s evil and selfish and bad and that my son loves me lots but i hate that he likes her so much. and my green eyed monster comes from a incomplete place inside of me that just can’t, well, fathom him placing another woman other than me near my position in his life.
i know i can’t monopolize his happiness. nor do i want him to be disrespectful to her, i don’t want that either. i admit that i am adjusting to this, and i really do hate this feeling i have. i know that this comes off terribly insecure to the reader but i don’t know what to say unless you are someone who is a single parent also.
shit.
august woes.
29 Juli usually dread entering august because i know its the month where i’m most in a pinch. because my job is seasonal (10 months out of the school year) i save up money from all my checks during the year so i don’t have to worry about finding a job in the summer time. june is a breeze, july is lovely…but august is a different story. it’s hot. it’s long. and usually the savings that i set aside start to dwindle. sure, you might say, the solution is to set aside more the next year. i usually do that but the cost of everything (groceries, utilities, sending the Little One off to summer camp) rise each year too, beyond my predicted level. just today i got a utility bill for august that is 3 times what it was last year. shit.
so what am i to do? i could get another job, but i go back to work in 3 weeks. its best to just wait the month out and see what happens.
i really hate august. with a passion that is unrestrained.
mommy blues.
22 Julmy son is having some behavior problems at his school. mostly along the spectrum of being disruptive: talking during classes, not following instructions, being silly, disturbing and hitting other students. he got in trouble 4 days this past week and 2 other major times during this summer so far. every morning when i drop him off at school i tell him i love him and to have a great day. when i pick him up, i usually learn then from his teacher that his day was full of tragic events and mishaps. whenever he’s asked (for instance) about why he hit someone, he usually responds with “i don’t know” or “i thought we were playing.” when he’s asked about why he misbehaves at school, he says that he tries to have a good day but “things keep happening.”
he gets disciplined from his father and i. priviledges such as watching cartoons and wii and computer time taken away. although he is an only child, he’s not excessively indulged, nor does he get everything he wants. regardless, it doesn’t seem to work.
i’m terribly frustrated.
one of the directors at the summer camp where he goes is a teacher at my school. whenever my son is sent out of class he’s immediately sent to the director, who he actually listens to. she says that she understands our frustration and sees that we’re trying to rectify the situation, but what she doesn’t i know is that i feel totally ashamed and embarassed that my child seems to be the only one at camp who can’t seem to behave himself. he was the same way last year in kindergarten, only then he seemed to have a terrible argumentative streak. when he wasn’t trying to talk the teacher out of a simple direction such as picking up a pencil, he was getting sent out because he kept talking and playing around wasn’t completing his class work at all.
as far as his academics, he’s an excellent student. he’s above average in math. in kindergarten he memorized his times tables up to the 5′s. he’s 6 years old and already on a third grade reading level. he loves reading about science related topics. he sits for sustained periods of time to play with his blocks, toys, and other activities that interest him. true, he does fidget when he sits for a long time, but what 6 year old doesn’t? it’s no doubt that his behavior seems to be impulsive and attention seeking in its nature, because despite my best efforts he still doesn’t seem to think about consequences, or why he does the things he does. sometimes i wonder if the attention seeking behavior stems from his father and i’s separation two years ago…
what do i do? i can’t spank him every day, take away his priviledges for infinity, or keep him out of school. i don’t want to medicate unless i’ve been assured by a qualified medical expert that there is a problem. i’m setting up an appointment tomorrow with a pediatrician to see about a possible referral for further help.
(*sigh*)
Untitled
5 Feb
my son writes stories at school. this one reads:
“I was on a mission with my friends. Then we made a sign called TEAM. We are going to save the day. We were on a mission to harm the bad apple. By Jordan 1/29/09”i love that my son writes stories and he’s only 4. i hang them all around the house and post them in frames. i started writing when i was 7 and my parents were the same way, praising me and helping me, buying me a typewriter when i was 12 just to keep it all in my head. when i was pregnant with my son i read hamlet and shakespearean sonnets aloud and hoped that he’d absorb the words through my voice and his umbilical cord. now he gets the paper and draws the picture and you scribe for him and when he’s done he tells you and that he’s written another one. it’s in the genes.
holiday.
19 Janbored and in need of some solutions. my son is over his father’s house. i am oodles of glad that i don’t have to go to work tomorrow. or friday, for that matter. teacher’s workday. most of the time i go in on those days, sign the pay roll, leave. go back home and take a nap. i don’t know what i’ll do on friday because i don’t even know what i’m going to do on tuesday when my students get back from the MLK holiday. i imagine that they’ll be some kind of event for the inarguration, but i can’t be sure. most of the time i don’t do lesson plans until the day of because it’s almost impossible to determine what will come next. how can i project what page my class will be on two weeks from now? how do i even know if they’ll complete the current chapter that they are on? my evaluations have said much about my tendency to do this.
tomorrow i can say this for sure, i am planning on seeing notorious. i’ve already picked out a theater out in the ‘burbs to go see it, because i know that the major ones around here will hardly offer me a quiet movie-viewing experience. i don’t know what compels me to see this movie, other than curiousity and sheer boredom. i wasn’t much of a fan of biggie smalls in life or death. matter of fact, i was more of a fan of tupac. i’d be more inclined to see a movie about tupac, had one come out this weekend. after that i’ll go to the gym, get my nails done. pick up some thai food. my life is so bland that it thrills me to live it all the more. just rest, no deadlines, no particular destination.
